Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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