Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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