What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
