Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
