just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
