did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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