I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize