Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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