My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
