god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
