I cockslap morals
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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