where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
