You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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