she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
