Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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