i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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