I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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