I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I touched a dick in church today
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
