do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
