i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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