I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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