if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We're too hungover to prance.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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