omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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