Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
