bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
