just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
bring money and cleavage
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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