Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
