i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
