If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
