I can text with my tongue
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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