haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
