Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
