drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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