this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
