i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
