i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
