Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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