happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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