Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
