we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
how drunk are you?
Several
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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