Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
