she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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