If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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