You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
