Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
