becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
