I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
