there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. Iβm starting to see why you drink so much.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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