Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
