So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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