You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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