i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
