the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
