No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
