You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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