everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
