I wish my penis had an off switch
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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