so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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